Homesick or brain sick?

Yesterday marked two months since the start of my trip, and whilst I have had an amazing time, seen so many incredible things, and made wonderful friends, I also found myself back in a hostel bed trying to hold back the tears which wouldn't stop flowing down my cheeks. 

It felt like a relapse, back to my first night in Bangkok, where the tears also would not stop. But it also felt silly, I'd been here before and I didn't think I would be here again. I'd conquered the loneliness, the fear and the culture shock. Still, I had known exactly what had caused it that time but this time I was at a loss.

Homesickness? Maybe. Anxiety? Probably. A nervous breakdown? Sure felt like it. 

Out here two months is considered nothing. Backpackers here would probably think of that as a holiday. People travel for years, and dread the thought of going home. Life's a constant party. People move from one place to the next without even stopping to look at the scenery.

In just two months I've managed to travel to four countries, all so different from each other. Each with their own culture, traditions and language. But equally at the same time they have all flown by, each stop a pin on a map, before plotting the pins which mark our next destination. Just as you begin to fall in love with a place, you're back on the road again. Then again, at the same time, if you don't enjoy a place you just move on, zip up your bag again and book the next bus out. 

Even so, it's not our fault. There's so much to see in each place and visas limit your time in each country. You might feel like you could spend two weeks in one place, but do so and you'll be missing what somewhere else has to offer. Plus you want to see the whole of a country. You don't want to limit yourself to only experiencing one spot. You may have fallen in love with the beach, or the city, or the jungle, but spend too much time there and you'll lose out on a whole other potential love story.

However, the constant travelling, the constant movement, has taken everything out of me. It seems so over dramatic to say that I need a break when I'm on a holiday, but I constantly find myself yearning for the next destination, or for home, at the expense of everything else. Though I may enjoy a place, I am anxious for what comes next and the constant planning of our next destination has an impact on the current one. I even have countdowns which clock the days, hours and minutes until I travel back to Thailand, which I loved, and where my little piece of home would join me.

As I lay in bed tears running down my face, all I could think about was flying home. It would only be temporary and I could fly back out to Phuket in July, for a real holiday, in the first country I had fallen in love with. Talking to friends and family they urged me to think it through and not make any irrational or hasty decisions. I said I would sleep on it and once again booked into another hostel, where I could relax and take time  to think through my options. 

Sitting by the pool in the new hostel, my urge to book a flight home remains. The tears still fall down my cheeks, this time concealed by sunglasses, and the anxiety of not knowing what I will do still hangs tight in my chest. A friend told me that any big choice takes three days to decide on, so I will try to wait that long, but I make no promises.

The Excitement Returns

1st April 2016, 1am - Here Hostel, Bangkok.
It's amazing the difference a good hostel can make. Less than an hour after checking in to my second hostel of my trip I bumped into an English girl, the same age as me, also on her second day in Bangkok.

Up to that point I had been researching Contiki and STA travel tours which began in Bangkok and which departed as soon as possible. I planned to ring them just as soon as their office opened back in London. Sat engrossed in my phone, it took me a while to spot the figure behind me, also deep in thought looking at her phone.

After chatting for a while we headed out to walk along Koh San Road, which she'd already ventured out to earlier in the day. We chatted and strolled through the bustling street, avoiding Tuk Tuk drivers trying to give us a ride and admiring the patterned harem pants which littered the stalls.

After some exploration, and when we needed some air con to relieve us from the heat, we returned to the hostel where I anxiously proceeded to research tours, now on my iPad and phone.

All but one seemed to be sold out so I decided that I would give STA travel a phone call to see whether I could be booked onto this tour which left in five days time. The woman on the phone was helpful and explained that they needed processing time of three working days to book me onto any of their tours, with it being Friday and the tour leaving on Wednesday this cut it extremely fine. She asked the name of the tour and told me that unfortunately it was already fully booked.

Ah. That put a spanner in the works. She said she'd ring back once she'd looked up more options. Meanwhile in the hostel lobby my new friend helped me scour the website for possible options. Had I thought about getting a hop on, hop off bus pass? That's what she had.

STA travel rang back and said that there were not many options left for me. Was I interested in a £2000 tour for 24 days departing in over a week's time? I turned to my new found saviour (I wish that was melodrama but honestly, I was so ready to fly home I cannot even explain) and asked if it would cramp her style if I was to get the same pass as her? She looked pleased and said it wouldn't, so that was that.

£1300 later and I have a bus pass which takes me through Thailand to Laos, Laos to Vietnam, Vietnam to Cambodia and back to Bangkok. (Which actually was my original plan, albeit with some flights rather than buses). I also have a new found friend and a sense of excitement that I'd lost somewhere over the Arabian Sea.

[I meant to post this yesterday, but I've honestly been so busy that I just didn't have time to set it all up on blogger before I went to sleep. Thank you so much to everyone who reached out to offer support after my previous blog post. Your words all meant so much to me and gave me the boost in confidence that I needed to persevere. Sharing intimate things can often seem like oversharing but I think it's important to be honest and give an account which reflects one's true thoughts at the time]

The Realities of Travelling Solo

It's 11.55pm in Bangkok and whilst the city still moves around me, I am sat in the pod of my capsule dorm room, curtain firmly closed, researching whether I'm able to cancel my trip.

I only landed in Bangkok less than 12 hours ago and already I have spent the majority of my time inside the hostel, alone, crying. In fact, the tears started before I even landed onto Thai soil and they continue to fall as I type this messily worded flow of consciousness into my phone from the darkness of my bed.

Bangkok is a strange place. 10 million people packed into this squirming city. The roads full of beeping horns, whistles and revving engines. Pavements pounded by people's feet. As a lone traveller it can feel as if you could easily slip away or disappear, and nobody would even notice.

This hostel feels somewhat the same. I can hear the voices and the chatter, but each time I venture downstairs to the common areas to try and join in the conversation there's no one there. Just some of the hotel employees, someone sweeping the floor, another on the reception desk. When I do eventually find conversation it's in a different language, and the instant barrier keeps me at arms length.

Earlier I mustered up the courage to walk to the local shopping mall. There were tourists there, but all in pairs or groups. There is something truly heartbreaking about realising how much you'd love to share an experience with someone, but there's no one to share it with. I took a few photos of the mall's extravagant decoration and my pad Thai and sent them back home via social media.

At least I know I'm not on my own (if you'd excuse the ironic use of this phrase... I've never felt so alone). Earlier a friend told me that their friend had also stayed in this hostel and also found it very quiet. Reviews online state it to be clean, tidy but not very sociable.

Tomorrow, I check in to a hostel nearer to Koh San Road. Some of the reviews said it was sociable, others said it was quiet. I hope that the fact that it was nearly sold out means that there will be at least some other travellers there.

A good night's sleep, some conversation and maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Kimpton Folk Festival 2016

I recently had the honour of attending Kimpton Folk Festival with my parents. We spent a wonderful day wandering around the village, listening to beautiful music, enjoying yummy food and relaxing in the sun.

Whilst there I took a couple of time lapses, and various videos, which I compiled into a quick vlog. The whole thing was made on iMovie on my iPhone, and I think it's a cute representation of how we spent the day, as well as the overall feel of the festival.

Kimpton Folk Festival ran for the first time this year, but if you are interested in attending next year then check out their website.

Virginity Is A Myth

Your flower; your v-card; your innocence; your virtue; your cherry.

As a teenager, virginity was a hot-topic. There were questions of who'd 'lost it', who still 'had it', your 'first time', whether it hurt, if you would bleed, when you should 'lose it', and so on. It was something that was really important to people, probably because we didn't have much else going on, to be honest. 

As the years went by, more and more people 'lost it', and the number of people in the 'virginity-less club' began to grow. Stories were told and shared, gossip was spread - "did you hear about the girl who bled everywhere on her mum's bed?", but people were still pretty uninformed on the whole topic.

Fast forwards several years and I am sat in a seminar all about virginity. Philosophy is super weird like that. Here we are, ten of us, mostly strangers, sat cramped in our lecturer's office, talking about what constitutes losing one's virginity. And honestly, I really had not put that much thought into it before that, so that's probably why the whole thing blew my mind.

So, what constitutes losing your virginity?

Give it a google (which I did in the library, and got many dirty looks), and you'll find that it's "the state of never having had sexual intercourse". But I'd say that's pretty vague. If we count virginity as only having had penetrative sex then is that not going to exclude the many people who don't have penetrative sex? Does that mean that if you're gay, and not having penetrative sex, you can't lose your virginity? Sex is a pretty broad term for a range of things. Plus, as my lecturer pointed out, once you have had sex there's still a heck of a long way to go before you've actually gone 'all the way'.

Me & my 'flour' courtesy of the banter of 2010. As I said, we didn't have much else going on.

It's completely down to society. Only fifty years ago the things that people saw as hella' perverted are freely accepted by people as normal now. And just as our views on perversions, and sex in general, change with the times, so do the views on virginity.

That's because virginity is a made up concept. It's a societal ideal which is imposed upon people. Virginity is not a thing. It's a myth. It does not exist other than in people's mind.

But, Taisha, I hear you cry, what about hymens? Aren't they a foolproof way of telling that virginity is not just all in our heads?

Excuse me while I scream internally.

Please, people. Look at the facts about hymens and stop spewing crap.

Fact #1: The hymen is not a physical barrier to the vagina. 

Fact #2: Hymens cannot break.

Fact #3: Your hymen will not break the first time you have sex, causing you to bleed.

Consider the hymen as a door frame, rather than the door. Hymens get worn away over time, from things as small as walking. The real cause of bleeding during sex, whether your first time or your 100th, is most likely poor lubrication, or other factors (and you should probably see a doctor if it keeps happening).

Both these mythical ideas about hymens and virginity perpetuate the idea that women should be chaste and that their sexuality is under the control of men. Where's the supposed surefire why of knowing whether a man is a virgin or not - oh wait, there isn't one? Wow, mindblowing.

So the next time you catch yourself thinking or speaking about virginity myths. CORRECT YO'SELF. Girls should not grow up believing that they should be in pain the first time they have sex, or that because they have had sex they are less worthy than people who have not. 

The decision on who you want to have sex with is totally up to you, and is no one's business (so long as you are both of age and consenting).

[Read more myths about sex in this buzzfeed article]

Stop Fetishizing My Race

As a mixed-race, liberal woman I have lots of things to be angry about. In fact, you can often find me ranting about this, that or the other. Life is unfair, more so for some than others, and every now and then I get pretty frustrated with that. Feminism and racism were things that were pretty alien to me until I started university, then all of a sudden I had so much to be mad about.

The thing that has really frustrated me recently, and also previously (I wrote a blog post regarding a similar issue back in February last year), is the fetishization of my race.

Yellow fever. [Noun]. The belief by Caucasian men that East-Asian women make better sexual lovers than other women, whilst at the same time have no meaningful presence in politics and popular culture.

In other words, when Caucasian men have a strong attraction to Oriental women because they believe that they will be good in the sack, sexually submissive and 'exotic', but good for not much else. 

Back in the day, when I was using dating apps like tinder, not a day went by when someone didn't mention that I looked as if I had an 'exotic' bloodline (?!), that they had not ever had sex with a Chinese girl (clearly an offer that I couldn't refuse), that I had 'big tits' for a Chinese girl, or that they only had sex with/dated Oriental girls (d'you want a medal m8?). Pretty sure my white friends don't get that kind of creepiness.

And I get it, I do. We're hot. Asian genes are great genes. No one ever believes my Mum when she tells them her age. But this is more than that.

It's not just that these guys are attracted to, I don't know... dark hair and more rounded faces. It's that they are taking the stereotype of Asian women and applying that to me, sexualising that thing, and then expecting me to be thrilled by that.

There is no way that I am a quiet, shy, obedient, coy and demure little girl, but that's who they're expecting me to be, purely because my mum's Chinese? Alright then.

It's stereotypes of Asian women, as innocent, child-like, powerless, mystical and submissive, that are perpetuated in things like anime, hentai porn, 'mail-order' brides and Japanese school girl costumes.

Unfortunately, Asian women are under represented in the west, and this means that the stereotypes are much harder to break. I can think of one film star (Lucy Liu, duh), one television programme with an Asian woman as a (non-stereotyped) main character (Fresh off the boat - it's amazing), and zero A-list celebrities that are Asian. Maybe that's because I'm not paying enough attention, but I don't think so, because I'd really love strong Asian women to look up to, but they just aren't supported by their industries or by the media.

Don't get me wrong - there are Asian women who perpetuate the stereotype too. They play up to idea that they are shy and need a sexual awakening. Some use it to help them find husbands in the west, others just want to be considered that way. I myself am guilty of it - I wore a bloody Japanese school girl costume for Halloween in 2013, along with lace stockings and a very low cut neckline. But I just wish I'd known better.

This problem is so much bigger than just the fetishizing of Asian women, that's clear to me. But that problem in particular is incredibly frustrating, and honestly, really disgusting.

[If you want to read more about 'yellow fever' click here to check out Yuan Ren's article for the telegraph].

The Never Have I Ever List

Nearly a year ago today I wrote a post on drinking games for fresher's week, and I included my all-time-fave "Never Have I Ever". But we play it a little bit differently. Instead of each thinking up something to say, we read from a list of things which I have saved in the notes on my phone. The original list was written in 2013 (when I had just finished school and was celebrating in Ayia Napa), and we've added to it ever since.

Anyway, I decided that the list was just too good to not share with you all, so here goes...

NEVER HAVE I EVER...
• Fraped someone

• Failed a test 

• Been to a funeral 

• Blackmailed someone

• Had a job

• Stalked my ex on social media

• Had a pet

• Kissed/dated someone 5+ years older than me

• Had a piercing

• Cheated

• Been in trouble with the police

• Played on a sports team

• Hit someone

• Smoked cigarettes

• Drunk alcohol

• Bought underwear for someone of the opposite sex

• Been overweight

• Purposefully tried to make someone else jealous

• Been underweight

• Had a crush on someone in the room

• Stalked my ex's new girl/guy on social media

• Done a season overseas

• Got a tattoo

• Gone on a tinder date

• Been 'the over woman/man'

• Been late to school

• Been proposed to

• Kicked someone out

• Been engaged

• Kissed/dated with my friend's ex/someone they used to see

• Got kicked out of a club/bar

• Been with someone/dated someone 3+ years younger than me

• Been to a wedding

• Lost all my stuff on a night out

• Been bullied

• Been on tv

• Kissed someone who's in the room right now

• Been on a blind date

• Pretended to be gay/straight

• Lied in never have I ever

• Been late to work

• Smoked a cigar

• Been friendzoned

• Been go karting

• Been in the back of a police car

• Been bungee jumping

• Broken up with someone via text message

• Been in an ambulance

• Had a crush on a teacher

• Fallen over in front of everyone

• Found my cousin on tinder

• Had my phone stolen

• Been speed dating

• Done something I regretted

• Kissed someone in the rain

• Gone on a pedalo

• Kissed someone different race to myself

• Had my heart broken

• Wet myself

• Had a shout out on the radio

• Professed my love to someone whilst drunk

• Go skinny dipping

• Been in a car crash

• Failed my drivers test

• Done karaoke

• Broken a bone

• Dated a co-worker

• Cried because I was drunk

• Drunk dialled someone

• Broken somebody's heart

• Thrown a party without my parents knowing

• Passed out from drinking

• Used a fake id

• Stolen something

• Been a bridesmaid/page boy

• Fancied someone so much I stalked them

This list probably seems a little bit tame for the more seasoned of you never-have-I-ever players, so if you were looking for a more raunchy list which is definitely NSFW and probably not suitable for anyone sober, then click here!

P.s. If you want to share the list with your friends then please credit me!

P.p.s. DRINK RESPONSIBLY!