Homesick or brain sick?

Yesterday marked two months since the start of my trip, and whilst I have had an amazing time, seen so many incredible things, and made wonderful friends, I also found myself back in a hostel bed trying to hold back the tears which wouldn't stop flowing down my cheeks. 

It felt like a relapse, back to my first night in Bangkok, where the tears also would not stop. But it also felt silly, I'd been here before and I didn't think I would be here again. I'd conquered the loneliness, the fear and the culture shock. Still, I had known exactly what had caused it that time but this time I was at a loss.

Homesickness? Maybe. Anxiety? Probably. A nervous breakdown? Sure felt like it. 

Out here two months is considered nothing. Backpackers here would probably think of that as a holiday. People travel for years, and dread the thought of going home. Life's a constant party. People move from one place to the next without even stopping to look at the scenery.

In just two months I've managed to travel to four countries, all so different from each other. Each with their own culture, traditions and language. But equally at the same time they have all flown by, each stop a pin on a map, before plotting the pins which mark our next destination. Just as you begin to fall in love with a place, you're back on the road again. Then again, at the same time, if you don't enjoy a place you just move on, zip up your bag again and book the next bus out. 

Even so, it's not our fault. There's so much to see in each place and visas limit your time in each country. You might feel like you could spend two weeks in one place, but do so and you'll be missing what somewhere else has to offer. Plus you want to see the whole of a country. You don't want to limit yourself to only experiencing one spot. You may have fallen in love with the beach, or the city, or the jungle, but spend too much time there and you'll lose out on a whole other potential love story.

However, the constant travelling, the constant movement, has taken everything out of me. It seems so over dramatic to say that I need a break when I'm on a holiday, but I constantly find myself yearning for the next destination, or for home, at the expense of everything else. Though I may enjoy a place, I am anxious for what comes next and the constant planning of our next destination has an impact on the current one. I even have countdowns which clock the days, hours and minutes until I travel back to Thailand, which I loved, and where my little piece of home would join me.

As I lay in bed tears running down my face, all I could think about was flying home. It would only be temporary and I could fly back out to Phuket in July, for a real holiday, in the first country I had fallen in love with. Talking to friends and family they urged me to think it through and not make any irrational or hasty decisions. I said I would sleep on it and once again booked into another hostel, where I could relax and take time  to think through my options. 

Sitting by the pool in the new hostel, my urge to book a flight home remains. The tears still fall down my cheeks, this time concealed by sunglasses, and the anxiety of not knowing what I will do still hangs tight in my chest. A friend told me that any big choice takes three days to decide on, so I will try to wait that long, but I make no promises.

The Excitement Returns

1st April 2016, 1am - Here Hostel, Bangkok.
It's amazing the difference a good hostel can make. Less than an hour after checking in to my second hostel of my trip I bumped into an English girl, the same age as me, also on her second day in Bangkok.

Up to that point I had been researching Contiki and STA travel tours which began in Bangkok and which departed as soon as possible. I planned to ring them just as soon as their office opened back in London. Sat engrossed in my phone, it took me a while to spot the figure behind me, also deep in thought looking at her phone.

After chatting for a while we headed out to walk along Koh San Road, which she'd already ventured out to earlier in the day. We chatted and strolled through the bustling street, avoiding Tuk Tuk drivers trying to give us a ride and admiring the patterned harem pants which littered the stalls.

After some exploration, and when we needed some air con to relieve us from the heat, we returned to the hostel where I anxiously proceeded to research tours, now on my iPad and phone.

All but one seemed to be sold out so I decided that I would give STA travel a phone call to see whether I could be booked onto this tour which left in five days time. The woman on the phone was helpful and explained that they needed processing time of three working days to book me onto any of their tours, with it being Friday and the tour leaving on Wednesday this cut it extremely fine. She asked the name of the tour and told me that unfortunately it was already fully booked.

Ah. That put a spanner in the works. She said she'd ring back once she'd looked up more options. Meanwhile in the hostel lobby my new friend helped me scour the website for possible options. Had I thought about getting a hop on, hop off bus pass? That's what she had.

STA travel rang back and said that there were not many options left for me. Was I interested in a £2000 tour for 24 days departing in over a week's time? I turned to my new found saviour (I wish that was melodrama but honestly, I was so ready to fly home I cannot even explain) and asked if it would cramp her style if I was to get the same pass as her? She looked pleased and said it wouldn't, so that was that.

£1300 later and I have a bus pass which takes me through Thailand to Laos, Laos to Vietnam, Vietnam to Cambodia and back to Bangkok. (Which actually was my original plan, albeit with some flights rather than buses). I also have a new found friend and a sense of excitement that I'd lost somewhere over the Arabian Sea.

[I meant to post this yesterday, but I've honestly been so busy that I just didn't have time to set it all up on blogger before I went to sleep. Thank you so much to everyone who reached out to offer support after my previous blog post. Your words all meant so much to me and gave me the boost in confidence that I needed to persevere. Sharing intimate things can often seem like oversharing but I think it's important to be honest and give an account which reflects one's true thoughts at the time]

The Realities of Travelling Solo

It's 11.55pm in Bangkok and whilst the city still moves around me, I am sat in the pod of my capsule dorm room, curtain firmly closed, researching whether I'm able to cancel my trip.

I only landed in Bangkok less than 12 hours ago and already I have spent the majority of my time inside the hostel, alone, crying. In fact, the tears started before I even landed onto Thai soil and they continue to fall as I type this messily worded flow of consciousness into my phone from the darkness of my bed.

Bangkok is a strange place. 10 million people packed into this squirming city. The roads full of beeping horns, whistles and revving engines. Pavements pounded by people's feet. As a lone traveller it can feel as if you could easily slip away or disappear, and nobody would even notice.

This hostel feels somewhat the same. I can hear the voices and the chatter, but each time I venture downstairs to the common areas to try and join in the conversation there's no one there. Just some of the hotel employees, someone sweeping the floor, another on the reception desk. When I do eventually find conversation it's in a different language, and the instant barrier keeps me at arms length.

Earlier I mustered up the courage to walk to the local shopping mall. There were tourists there, but all in pairs or groups. There is something truly heartbreaking about realising how much you'd love to share an experience with someone, but there's no one to share it with. I took a few photos of the mall's extravagant decoration and my pad Thai and sent them back home via social media.

At least I know I'm not on my own (if you'd excuse the ironic use of this phrase... I've never felt so alone). Earlier a friend told me that their friend had also stayed in this hostel and also found it very quiet. Reviews online state it to be clean, tidy but not very sociable.

Tomorrow, I check in to a hostel nearer to Koh San Road. Some of the reviews said it was sociable, others said it was quiet. I hope that the fact that it was nearly sold out means that there will be at least some other travellers there.

A good night's sleep, some conversation and maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.