Finding a Decent Guy

The other day I sat down with one of my housemates and we realised that, despite having different tastes in men, we still have core values or qualities that we'd like a guy to possess. It reminded me of a while back, when I was scrolling through tumblr and I came across a hilarious post on 'fuckboys' (excuse her french but, I mean, she has a point). So I decided to write a blog post, perhaps misleadingly titled, because I want to help you to spot the dodgy guys, the ones you should probably avoid at all costs.

I've already found the man of my dreams

THEIR MOTHER. If they treat their mother badly but still expect her to do everything for them, they're not worth your time. You can easily learn how a guy will treat you from how he treats his mother. In fact, you can easily learn how a guy will treat you from how he treats any other women, or other people in general. Watch how he treats waiters, barmen, pizza delivery drivers, taxi drivers, even his friends, if that makes you uncomfortable it's probably a tell-tale sign of his true personality.

THEIR PAST. Listen to how they speak about their ex girlfriends, or girls they used to see. This is a really big indicator of how they will go on to treat you, or speak about you. If they tell you that all of their ex girlfriends were crazy or 'psychos', you may want to think about that. There may be a reason for it... If they're a serial dater, that's also a big no-no. Yes there are probably decent guys who are stuck in the dating game, but there may be a reason why they've been single for so long, or gone through so many women.

THEIR HOUSEMATES. If you go to their house, look at their relationship with house-mates. How they get on with the people that they live with will help to show what they are truly like. Also, the kind of people they live with will probably affect their behaviour. I hate to say it, but a house of 'lads' is probably bad news.

THEIR HABITS. It seems like a stupid thing to say, and I'm not saying we have to restrain ourselves to fit to "gender norms" here, but I like to think that chivalry isn't dead. Guys who offer to pay, go out of their way for you, open doors and are polite are the kind of guys you want to look for. Be wary of those who seem too self interested to pay attention to such things. Nearly every girl wants a gentleman.

THEIR SEX LIFE. Now, I'm not saying you should hop into bed with someone as soon as you meet them, though of course that is your choice, but when it does come down to it, guys that assume that they don't have to use a condom are guys that you want to avoid. If they're assuming they don't have to use a condom with you, they've probably assumed it with other people too. Sex is about conversation and consent, if he's trying to sleep with you without discussing contraception first, he's not exactly a 'keeper'.

THEIR SIBLINGS. Only children as well as boys who were babied are the ones to look out for. If they were spoiled by their parents they're likely to act that way as they continue on in life. You want someone who is independent and self-sufficient. There's nothing worse than a guy who has to return home for his Mum to do his laundry because he doesn't know how to use the washing machine himself.

THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FRIENDS. How they treat your friends is nearly as important as how they treat you. Trust me, your life will be hell on earth if your friends don't get along with your guy. You want him to treat your friends with respect, and for them to like him, or at least see why others could. The same goes for your family, if they don't get along with him, it's not going to be plain sailing for you, but it is also likely to be for a reason.

Everyday Racism

I am mixed race. When I have to fill in an ethnicity form I usually have to tick "mixed - any other mixed background". My mother is Chinese, Oriental or Asian, my father is English, European or White. Both my parents were raised in the UK, my Mother in Surrey and my Father in Hertfordshire. Ethnically I'm of two races, but nationality wise I've always been British, so have my parents.

The first time I can remember ever encountering outright racism was when I was in year 7 or 8. Two girls at school were arguing and I took the side of my friend. The other girl shouted at me to "go back to your own country". I was baffled. I've never even been to Asia. At that point, the closest I'd come to going to Asia was going to China Town, and the nearest country to Asia I'd travelled to was Holland. Not that it even matters. I was British, always had been.

I guess I'd lead a sheltered life. There was only one other Oriental girl in my year, she was mixed race too. My primary school had taught acceptance and there were never any issues. Secondary school was never terrible, I think this is the only incident that I can recall, but it wasn't big incidents that were the problem. It isn't big incidents that I take issue with. It's casual racism.

I get that it's all well and good and funny to make jokes with your friends about particular things. You call them out for their stupid behaviour, you make fun of them for having a fit mum/dad and you joke about things together. However, I do think there is a line that cannot be crossed, and I don't think everyone understand it.

If I want to make fun of my own race, joke about having small eyes, how all tourists are Asians, or about eating dogs, that's fine. It's funny. That's what comedians do - they pull fun at themselves. However, when someone else starts to make jokes about something like that, it's not funny any more. You've crossed that line, and I've started to feel uncomfortable. Imagine someone making a joke about your insecurities - your acne scars, your large nose or your weigh-gain. That's not funny, that's just uncomfortable. Perhaps there is some level of hypocrisy here, it's okay for me to do it, but not for  you. However, this is the same for most of our insecurities - I don't want you to make a joke of something which I am very aware of, but cannot change.

I think that's not all that bugs me either. People talk about white privilege, and I'm not sure I fully understood what that meant, but now I'm beginning to. I think that, as a person who has been described as a banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside), it's easier for me to voice my concern. There is a culture of us taking things for granted, that's just the selfish nature of humankind, but when that self entitlement extends to issues, such as race, it becomes an even bigger problem. White people (and it feels weird to refer to them like that, having always considered myself as one) don't see the issue. 

I think we believe that there are racists and then there are accepting people. Two categories. You can only belong to one. Either you're racist or you're not, and you can't be racist if you have a black/asian/latino friend. Whereas, I'm starting to believe that it's more of a scale. It's human nature to be afraid of things that you don't understand, or that aren't normal to you. Ethnic minorities fall into this because people are wary of people who are different to them. In this way, we are all racist to an extent. Perhaps racism isn't the right word, because I don't think it's hatred, I think it's fear, but it's the word I'm going to use to put my point across.

And there's another problem that I've realised, and it's an issue for several different races, and that's that my race, my ethnicity is being fetishised. Ever heard of yellow fever? I'm not talking about the viral disease, I mean the growing trend of a sexual preference for East-Asian women. White, Caucasian men want to date 'nice Chinese girls', because they believe that they are better sexual lovers, submissive and subservient, as well as exotic. Vomit. If I have one more guy tell me I look 'exotic' or that he's never had sex with a Chinese girl before, I will scream.

What I'm trying to say is, please think before you speak. Think about whether that joke you were about to make was actually funny, or just poked fun at someone's ethnicity. Think again about the things you say, whether they could be taken the wrong way. There is no harm done in thinking twice, I know I sure will.

Backsliding

Backsliding, as defined by urban dictionary, is "sex with someone you were previously dating or hooking up with. Specifically after a falling out or a bad breakup and tends to make things more complicated." Basically, it describes that moment where you end up in bed with your ex, when you probably actually shouldn't have ever spoken to them again. Hilariously, it can also mean "to revert to sin or wrongdoing, especially in religious practise", which isn't dissimilar.

The do-we, don't-we debate

I think we've all done it, or we know someone who has, and we've witnessed the drama which ensued. Ordinarily, there is usually a reason for a break up, and rekindling that relationship for purely hedonistic reasons, doesn't really seem worth it. And most of the time it probably isn't...

I used to think it was an awful idea, a mistake that one should strive to not make. I didn't think that it could help things in any way, but I have to say that my opinion has been somewhat changed. Yes, there are circumstances and situations where this would help no one because things would get even more messy, but there are other situations where it isn't the worst thing you could do.

For some relationships this can mean closure. It sounds silly but going back to an ex after a break up can help you to realise just why you broke up in the first place, and can help you move on. Of course, there are other ways to do this, and sleeping with them may not be the best way. In fact, it probably isn't the best way, but still, it could help.

Alternatively, it can just end up a big mess. Longing out the end of a relationship minimises your chances of a clean break and ultimately just ends up with more heartache. A friend of mine continued to sleep with their ex for a long time after their official break-up and had no qualms about it. A year on and they're finally done. It might not have been the perfect situation, but it worked for them. Did it lead to more heartache? Possibly, but I don't think they have any regrets.

So, whether it is a drunken mistake or a lonely midnight request, it's one that you should probably avoid. If you know you'd regret it the next day, that's when you know it's not right for you.

Being Single Makes You A Better Friend

I'm going to put this out there; if you're single you're a better friend than if you're in a relationship. Of course, this might not be the case with everyone but I think it's true for a large proportion of people. If you've ever third wheeled, or been ditched in favour of a boy/girlfriend, then you probably already know this. Sometimes couples suck.

Imagine not being able to dance to this with your clique..

1. If you're single you can commit a larger proportion of your time to your social life, this means you get to spend more time with your friends. You don't have to divide your time between your boy/girlfriend and your group of friends. This means that you're pretty much on call 24/7 for whatever your mates might need.

2. You're always up for a night out. You won't ever turn it down because you're sad because you're missing your girl/boyfriend, or because you're seeing them tomorrow and you can't be tired. On top of this, you're better when you are out. You don't sit there sober and moody on your phone desperately texting your other half. You dance, you have fun.

3. You're the perfect wingman/woman. If your mate wants to get on someone, you can get on their friend. It's perfect, and it works every time. You guys can even double date. You haven't got commitments, you don't need to worry. It's a brilliant plan.

4. You don't have to run crying to your friends every time something tragic happens with your boy/girlfriend. Okay, so you do complain about being single a fair amount, but your friends won't ever have to comfort you whilst you hysterically cry because your boy/girlfriend hasn't replied to your texts and you're worried they're going to break up with you.

5. Your friends don't have to get on with your boy/girlfriend, because you don't have one. You don't have to put your chums into an awkward situation where they have to make small talk with them, or pretend that they like them. They probably wouldn't have that much in common with them, and there would always be an underlying competition for your affections. This way, your friends get you to themselves.

Brrrrrrum

Just a little photo dump whilst I work out what to post on next! It's been bloomin' chilly in Birmingham recently, but also pretty beautiful.

 

(@ Boston Tea Party on Corporation St.)